Daddy Issues

Today, I asked one of my friends, "so, are you guys gonna put a ring on it soon?" And then I was hit in the face with the realization, "oh crap, we're getting old if I'm asking this question!" I mean, wasn't it just yesterday that we were saying stuff like "boys have cooties," or at the very least, "he told me he liked me!"

I started accepting the fact that marriages are looming (not my own marriage, necessarily but marriages around me) when close shots of hands with rings on the fingers and pictures of beaming brides and grooms started filling my Facebook photos stream and friends left and right of me are celebrating 2nd, 3rd anniversaries.  But babies haven't come into the picture yet.

Yet.

I am not a very maternal lass. I don't coo over babies and spend my days doodling nursery sketches. I don't have my babies' names picked out (though Delia is pretty, isn't it?) and I cringe at the possibility of having another human being be completely dependent on me. (That includes you, needy guys)

I would drive my mom crazy when I one-tenth jokingly/nine-tenth seriously say that I never want to have kids.

"That means you don't want to make me a grandmother. You're being so selfish!" She would retort.

So my mother wants me to lose my fabulous pre-baby body (hah!), fabulous pre-baby life (hah!) and spend the next couple of years changing diapers, carpooling, and taking care of a snot-nosed little brat just so she can be a grandma? And she's calling me selfish?! Hah!

But today I re-stumbled upon MetroDad's blog and I might reconsider my family plans. For those of you unfamiliar with this NY Korean-American papa, he has one of the most popular daddy blogs in the blogosphere. Writing about his cute-as-a-button four-year old daughter, with the monicker, "the Peanut," Metrodad is hilarious, delightful and heartwarming. 

Every sentence is witty, (Ex: "However, I'll never forget spending a week in Paris (the city, not the vagina")) and every anecdote is charming.  With the shameless Jon Gosselin running rampant around the globe with his mid-life crisis heavily planted on his bulging belly and Korean dads notorious for being cold, violent, and old-fashioned, it's great to have such a nice father figure to look up to.

This particular entry that he wrote wishing his daughter a happy birthday almost brought tears to my eyes:

Thanks for coming into our world and filling our lives with more meaning than we ever could have imagined. You've taught us that, at the end of the day, the only things that truly matter in life are love, family and a bowl of chocolate pudding.

But in all seriousness, Peanut, I can't even begin to express how much your mother and I both love you. You've brought so much joy and happiness to our lives that it's changed all of us in ways that we could never imagine. I wish I were a better writer so I could better convey all of this. But I'm not.

Oh MetroDad, your writing can't get any better than this.

Summer Lovin'

Summer vacation.

While in school, we often took summer for granted. 

I relate summer to a relationship. Well, a good one at least.  Summer, like a significant other, is one you look forward to seeing at the end of a long hard day/school year. While we were in school, summer had always been this constant that occurred every year. You (maybe?) knew what you were getting yourself into.  There might be bad times where going to summer school could be the same as being dragged to see your beau's parents or good times where traveling around the world could be like an exceptional date with your honey bunny.  It could be great, it could be bad. But it was always there.

Three summers ago, I had just come out of a long relationship.  That summer, I, for the first time in three years, had no one to look forward to seeing at the end of a long hard day, no meeting of the parents to be dragged to, no special date coming up. So I did what I always do whenever I'm bored, uninspired, tired, sad, angry, lazy; I burrowed myself in reading materials.

I have this rather bad habit of going to the bookstore and purchasing a couple of books at one time. I would then proceed to read all the books very carefully and return or exchange the ones I didn't enjoy, keeping the ones I did.  That summer was no different, I stocked up on two rather thick books at Barnes & Noble with the utmost intention of returning both.  

That didn't happen. 

Instead, I devoured both books. (P.S. You'll often hear me use the words, "devour" or "voraciously tear through" or "gobble up" when referring to my book-digesting habits and I kid you not, I don't exaggerate. I seriously do "devour" these books. They absorb my brain, my soul, my energy. When I'm reading a good book, I don't sleep, I hardly eat, I just flip flip flip munch munch munch away.)

Both novels were amazing. Both were total tearjerkers. Both were stunning demonstration of deft writing skills and stupendous story-telling. Both captured my heart.

My Sister's Keeper - Jodi Picoult

This was the first Jodi Picoult novel I had ever read. (That woman is a machine, by the way, how do you churn out bestsellers year after year after year?) To be frank, the cover and the title lured me in.  I have a sister. She's talking about sisters in the story.  What does a sister's keeper mean? Okay, reading it.  Who knew that this multi-viewed novel spun around a family dealing with a daughter with cancer would be such a page-turner with an exceptionally unexpected ending? I remember throughout the book, I could not keep my eyes dry.  Okay, keeping it.

The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

My favorite book of all time. Yes, this little (518 pages) novel outshone Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree, Dr. Seuss' wisdoms, Archie comics and The House of Spirits and rose to the top of the Janice best-selling list. (I have other books I love too but it's always the ones from my childhood I hold most dear to. They're so wise!) But yes. This book is for you if you're a romantic of the most dangerous kind--a romantic-at-heart. A romantic who's afraid to say it aloud but secretly dreams of everlasting love and handsome gentlemen and pretty ladies and doomed love affairs. The writer, Audrey Niffenegger, is so skilled with dolling up her words. you'd think she was a makeup artist. She transforms what could have been a very complicated story line and semi-annoying pining, whiny characters into a magical real-life (but not so real) fairy tale. Men, even you wouldn't be able to stay away from this thriller/romance/science fiction.

That summer, I fell in love. Not once but twice. Everyone should only be so lucky.  

This year, I was reminded of my summer loves because of the release of these two films.

As happy as I am that these two stories will be able to reach a broader (perhaps less literate but more visual?) audience, I'm also sad because movie versions of books never match my expectations. My Sister's Keeper already failed with the total miscasting of Cameron Diaz as the mother and the altered ending. I hope The Time Traveler's Wife will fare better with the luminescent Rachel Mcadams but I'm not holding my breathe. The version in my head will always fill my stomach a little more.

Three summers later, I don't have a summer anymore. My summer consists of a luxe air-conditioned office with a view facing some lovely bamboos and waking up at 7:30 everyday to make gym and traffic.  But I don't think I need one either.  As long as this shaded, comfy office space allows me ample time to read new books that will steal my heart away, I'll be fine.

Life's Blessings

Yesterday, I finally learned how to turn off my high-beams by myself.

Tonight, I officially posted my first listing on Ebay, trying to sell off the new iPod Touch that I got with my laptop.

These are small accomplishments but they make me happy and remind me of God's grace. Church tomorrow (today). Yippy!

3 Reasons Why I Will be Watching the Emmys This Year

1) How I Met Your Mother scored a nomination for Outstanding Comedy Series!

Maybe it was Britney's guest stints. Maybe it was the increasingly hilarious jokes continually reinforced through the episodes (Sven? Slap bet?). Maybe it was the true-to-heart story-lines, from getting your heart broken at the altar (oops, spoiler) to babying today's generation of kids Maybe it's because this show just freakin' rules.

Friends had to build a following at the start and now, it's... Friends. I have no doubt Mother will follow suit(up). I can't wait until the day where it's... Mother.

2) Double Trouble: Neil Patrick Harris is host and nominee!

The reason why I still laugh when I watch on TV, (and not because it's reality TV, which I find a joke gone wrong, even though he does joke... you get what I mean.)

And the joking has already begun! Look at what he replied in regards to his nom:

"Being asked to host the show—terrific. Getting a third nomination—fantastic. Having the ability to scribble my name in the envelope backstage when no one is looking—priceless"."

3) 30 Rock scored the most nominations ever for a comedy series with a whopping 22 Emmy nods.

I've already declared my love for this show many moons ago but it's nice to see this constant underdog go through puberty and end up the star quarterback on the football team who's won 22 championships, no less. Liz Lemon FTW!

The 61st Primetime Emmy Awards will be broadcast live on September 20 on CBS.

East/West

What a fitting picture. A Korean village home colliding with a New York apartment complex. East meets West. West engulfs East but East's impact on West is transparent. Welcome to my life.

I'm Asian. I'm American.

My Asian and American side fight with each other all the time.

I wish they would just get along.

They debate whenever I'm in a room of strangers and unsure of whether I should first approach that comfortable, familiar-looking Asian girl sipping lemonade or chat up that cute blonde hair blued eyed French lothario instead. They quarrel whenever I look over my Facebook pictures and notice that I have quite a bit of Asian American friends. They bicker whenever I try to decide whether I should accept that internship at an Asian American magazine or the "American" production company.

I'm Asian.
I listen to Wang Lee Hom... crave a hot bowl of congee...am always on the lookout for the best bargains and cheapest deals...feel guilty when I don't finish my food...avoid the sun like a vampire... cannot handle a car for the life of me and rely on herbal remedies when I get ill.

I'm American.
I listen to Jason Mraz...crave a good ol' hunk of steak and wine... value good service at establishments...enjoy a good hike...never feel guilty when I get a great pedicure...feel there's nothing better to do on a rainy day than cozy up with a cup of hot tea and magazines...think thoughts in English.

I'm Asian-American.
I read "Angry Asian Man" daily... feel scorned when the Chinese man in the movies is relegated to a stereotype...wish Laura Ling and Euna Lee would be freed already...date white men...date Asian men... frequent Sawtelle on a monthly basis...

is torn between the colliding cultures of my Eastern and Western worlds.

There's always a side. Society forces you to take one even though you don't always fit neatly into one or the other. You can flitter between the lines but in every circumstance, situation, decision, you make a choice.

You make a choice on the type of friends you make, music you listen to, events you attend, people you date and all these choices affect whether people think of you as more, "Asian" or more "American." More yellow or white. Fobby or white-washed.

An uncle is a very successful business consultant at a large firm. He has really achieved the American dream, immigrating here from Taiwan over 50 years ago, utilizing all of his education and natural talents (and luck) to end up with a very good paycheck, flexible hours and capability to work from home. But one day, he was telling me a story of how a guy at his work brought some leftover Chinese food to eat during lunch and how it was soooo smelly. Uncle commented, "why couldn't he have just brought a sandwich like everyone else?" Uncle's tone was condescending, as though he was on the "other side." When he told me this story--or even when he was at the cafeteria that day--had he decided to not be as Asian and more American?

When I first approached an up-and-coming comedian at a film festival, I asked her for a possible interview with Koream. She loved the idea and gave me her manager's phone number. After my editor exchanged a couple of phone calls with the manager, it became apparent that the funny girl would not be on our cover anytime soon. Her manager didn't think it would be such a good idea for her to appear on the cover of a Korean American magazine because she would be tagged as "Asian."

Even on my own resume, I look at all the work I've done at Asian American publications and wonder if future employers might assume that's my beat and all I'm good at reporting on. Would they think I'm too Asian?

My life is rife with decisions made or situations falling on me because of my ethnicity. Sometimes being Asian American plays a big part in it, sometimes not so much. I'm sure this will continue in the future and I pray for the day when it won't matter so much anymore. Because seriously, I'm Asian American. I'm a mish-mash of both worlds. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

PRAISE.THE.LORD.

Farewell KoreAm!

My favorite internship ever ended with a lunchtrip to...where else...a Korean restaurant. (We actually hardly eat Korean food at KoreAm, Gardena is a very Japanese cuisine-loving town.)

Over burning pieces of meat and spicy cabbages, the mostly female magazine team (both Audrey magazine and KoreAm are run by gals) and I reminisced about the great chats, lovely advice and superb fun I've had my four months here.

I've had many internships in my days. Mostly in the media and entertainment industry but I've worked in marketing, PR, research. I've worked for big companies in spacious suites atop Beverly Hills skyrises. I've worked in amazonian studio lots where soap stars would drive by on golf carts. I've worked in offices where the furniture probably costs more than my college tuition.

But it was in this steely factory-looking building in a city full of industrial trucks and Mexican fruit stands where I got the opportunity to explore my full print journalistic instincts, be faced with new challenges and obstacles everyday, and learn that you can love your job. And not only that, I was in the presence of an array of amazing, talented and accomplished Asian American females that dish out life advice and snarky commentary like no other. Through their life experiences, I'm able to gaze into a crystal ball and see how my life can turn out and what I should avoid.

My cousin and I had a discussion about this and I feel like if I could afford to, I would love to write, report, comment and investigate even if I weren't getting paid. I love feeling like I'm touching someone somewhere with my words and making a difference in my own way--by shedding light to stories that otherwise might not get told.

Asian American media has always had a hard time staying afloat and "in this economy" and with print journalism dying out, it's a wonder everyday that KoreAm Journal is still alive. But it's important for Asian American media to be here. When I read about Katie Holme's struggles to become an actress, it hits me differently than when I read about Sandra Oh's. I relate to Sandra more, whether it be her physical appearance of having black hair and a flat face or her family or her circle of friends. I want other Asian Americans out there to feel that kind of relatability, belonging. My feelings on being Asian American and working in the entertainment industry are long and complex and must be saved for another entry (hopefully coming soon) but I just end on one note:

Thank you KoreAm and Audrey, for giving us a voice.
Thank you for sharing our stories.
Thank you for making me feel like I belong.
Ok, so that's three notes but still...

I will miss being part of that family but you know, I'm still working on these issues right here on this blog and who knows, I might be back sooner than you think. We'll see!

Yea, we're Asian and we're proud.

Clean

Ugh...just found a giant (ok maybe tiny) spider roaming through my room. Time to get rid of this mess....

...before I start work on Monday. I GOT A JOB, BABY!