East/West

What a fitting picture. A Korean village home colliding with a New York apartment complex. East meets West. West engulfs East but East's impact on West is transparent. Welcome to my life.

I'm Asian. I'm American.

My Asian and American side fight with each other all the time.

I wish they would just get along.

They debate whenever I'm in a room of strangers and unsure of whether I should first approach that comfortable, familiar-looking Asian girl sipping lemonade or chat up that cute blonde hair blued eyed French lothario instead. They quarrel whenever I look over my Facebook pictures and notice that I have quite a bit of Asian American friends. They bicker whenever I try to decide whether I should accept that internship at an Asian American magazine or the "American" production company.

I'm Asian.
I listen to Wang Lee Hom... crave a hot bowl of congee...am always on the lookout for the best bargains and cheapest deals...feel guilty when I don't finish my food...avoid the sun like a vampire... cannot handle a car for the life of me and rely on herbal remedies when I get ill.

I'm American.
I listen to Jason Mraz...crave a good ol' hunk of steak and wine... value good service at establishments...enjoy a good hike...never feel guilty when I get a great pedicure...feel there's nothing better to do on a rainy day than cozy up with a cup of hot tea and magazines...think thoughts in English.

I'm Asian-American.
I read "Angry Asian Man" daily... feel scorned when the Chinese man in the movies is relegated to a stereotype...wish Laura Ling and Euna Lee would be freed already...date white men...date Asian men... frequent Sawtelle on a monthly basis...

is torn between the colliding cultures of my Eastern and Western worlds.

There's always a side. Society forces you to take one even though you don't always fit neatly into one or the other. You can flitter between the lines but in every circumstance, situation, decision, you make a choice.

You make a choice on the type of friends you make, music you listen to, events you attend, people you date and all these choices affect whether people think of you as more, "Asian" or more "American." More yellow or white. Fobby or white-washed.

An uncle is a very successful business consultant at a large firm. He has really achieved the American dream, immigrating here from Taiwan over 50 years ago, utilizing all of his education and natural talents (and luck) to end up with a very good paycheck, flexible hours and capability to work from home. But one day, he was telling me a story of how a guy at his work brought some leftover Chinese food to eat during lunch and how it was soooo smelly. Uncle commented, "why couldn't he have just brought a sandwich like everyone else?" Uncle's tone was condescending, as though he was on the "other side." When he told me this story--or even when he was at the cafeteria that day--had he decided to not be as Asian and more American?

When I first approached an up-and-coming comedian at a film festival, I asked her for a possible interview with Koream. She loved the idea and gave me her manager's phone number. After my editor exchanged a couple of phone calls with the manager, it became apparent that the funny girl would not be on our cover anytime soon. Her manager didn't think it would be such a good idea for her to appear on the cover of a Korean American magazine because she would be tagged as "Asian."

Even on my own resume, I look at all the work I've done at Asian American publications and wonder if future employers might assume that's my beat and all I'm good at reporting on. Would they think I'm too Asian?

My life is rife with decisions made or situations falling on me because of my ethnicity. Sometimes being Asian American plays a big part in it, sometimes not so much. I'm sure this will continue in the future and I pray for the day when it won't matter so much anymore. Because seriously, I'm Asian American. I'm a mish-mash of both worlds. And I wouldn't have it any other way.